Is Your Child Causing You Anxiety?

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I don’t know too many parents who can say that their children have never caused them some sort of anxiety. Maybe it was because your toddler spilled their juice in the aisle of the store, or maybe it was because your baby was loudly screaming in church, or maybe it was because your 9 year old argued with you in front of your friends, ending with an awful “I hate you”. Regardless of the reason why, we are all sometimes full of anxiety, stress, and embarrassment about what our child has done or said. While it’s a normal reaction, it’s not something that we enjoy or look forward to. Most of us want to crawl under a rock and wait for everyone to stop staring at us. Hopefully though, these times are few and far between.

But what about those parents whose kiddos act up more often than not? Do you ever get to the point where you’re dreading spending time with your child, because you know there will be disagreements, push-back, anger/yelling, or stress from one or both of you? If you’re shaking your head yes, don’t worry you’re not a bad parent and you’re not alone. In this blog, I want to give you some tips about how to keep calm yourself and help your child do the same in those stressful situations.

Many parents struggle with raising a child with a difficult temperament. I know because I’m one of them! My 8yr old son is a combination of a sensitive, high needs, and crabby temperament (these are explained more in my Parenting Solutions program). This means that he can require a lot of attention (good or bad), and then be super sensitive to a sibling not wanting to play with him or my telling him no. Now, the word sensitive can be used different ways. You might have a sensitive child who gets upset, cries, mopes, goes off on their own, needs to snuggle, or gets angry. Guess which one my son is? Yup, he gets angry. The simplest thing can sometimes set him off, and next thing I know he’s stomping off and yelling. So what’s a parent to do in this situation?

The first thing to do is to remain calm yourself. If you blow up at him/her, they’re going to want to do the same. Then it becomes an ironic situation of your yelling at them to calm down…you know, as you’re yelling at them. Try to follow these steps instead…

  1. Try to remain calm while assessing the situation. 
  2. Know what your child needs based on their temperament (ie do they need your comfort or to be left alone).
  3. Follow your child’s cues. They may start out needing a minute alone, but then they might want to talk or just need a hug.
  4. Don’t push what YOU think they could use! If your child is angry, it’s not likely going to be helpful that you remind them of what they did wrong in that moment. You’re better off waiting awhile. Sometimes it’s important to circle back around to this and other times it’s just best to move on. Each situation should be considered individually.
  5. Be sure to bring up sensitive topics at the right time. If you need to reprimand your child for something they did that morning before school, talking to them the moment they get off the bus might not be the best time. Let them have a snack and relax a bit before bringing it up. Timing is key!

The tips above are good for helping your child through a stressful or emotional situation, but what should you do to help your own anxious feelings? Well, firstly, doing the above steps to help your child will indeed help you too. If your child is feeling less stressed or upset, then so will you! But sometimes our kids like to spring things on us, where they just get upset for no reason and you can’t prepare for that. When unexpected things arise, here’s what I want you to do… 

  1.  Take a deep breath. Gather your thoughts a moment before you say something you might regret or react in a way that’s not helpful.
  2. If you have an immediate answer or response, say it calmly. Remember, your child will mimic your responses.
  3. If you don’t know what to do or say, it’s totally okay to walk away! Say you need to go to the bathroom to (hopefully) give yourself a minute or two to collect your thoughts. It’s much better that you say nothing in the moment, if what you want to say isn’t helpful. You can always come back a few minutes later to say something in a kinder tone.
  4. Try to begin what you say with a kind word of empathy. For example, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you had a bad day!” or “I know that you’re frustrated right now.” or “I can imagine how mad you might be feeling”. Empathy goes a long way! It will also help to calm your child down.
  5. See if you can talk through the emotion with them and help them come to a resolution with your help. For example, “I can see that you’re really frustrated right now because your sister took your book. What can we do to fix this (older kids can offer a resolution, you will need to help the younger ones)? Why don’t we all sit down together to read the book?” Or you could have suggested that the sister gives back the book for 5 minutes before she gets a turn. Whatever the resolution, the point is that you all stayed calm and worked out a solution that would benefit everyone. 
  6. Once the child is calm and happy again, praise them for the things they did well in the situation. For instance, you might say “I loved that you were willing to compromise with your sister by taking turns!” Oftentimes, we’re quick to point out the negative stuff and we forget to compliment the good, which is really the most important part!

If you can work on these things with your child, you’ll both end up being calmer and less anxious. It’s also important to carve out that one-on-one time with your child (each of your children if you have more than one). It’s extremely important that you have positive experiences with each of your children, but it’s imperative that you have them with your most difficult one. You both need those happy times to feel good about each other and your relationship with one another. You need to see those awesome qualities that make your kiddo special, and they need to see a happy, non-yelling parent they can continue to look up to and love unconditionally. So if it’s been a while since you did something nice with your child, look at your calendar and set a date today! I’d love for you to post below what you’re planning on doing with your child to make their day special! Happy bonding!

If you’d like more parenting help, please check out my Parenting Solutions course! I have a DIY and a group version, where you can have lifetime access to 10 video lessons, get awesome ideas for how to handle your situations, have access to many printable charts to help you, and have access to me for answers to your unique questions! I also offer this program as a one-on-one option, where we will have weekly calls to walk through what you’re learning and how well you’re able to implement it all. Contact me on the above link with questions on these options. I also have a free parenting guide that might further help you too!

5 Reasons Why Parents Desperately Need Sleep Too

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Most parents know that their children need an adequate amount of sleep each night, yet they fail to give the same attention to their own sleep. Why is that? One popular answer is that they’re too busy to make sleep a priority for themselves. Unfortunately, they don’t realize what that lack of sleep is actually doing to them…and their families. Here are 5 reasons why parents desperately need to start working on their sleep too.

1 – You will be a better parent – It’s no secret that sleep deprivation leads to mood changes like crankiness, irritability, having a short fuse, etc. This means that you will have less patience for your toddler’s meltdowns or your preschooler’s sassiness. You’ll also be more likely to yell at your kids (and then feel guilty about it later). We’ve all been there before and it’s not the best feeling.

Personally, I know that I’m not the best parent when I haven’t slept well. I’m definitely more snappy, more tired and lethargic, have less patience with them, and have less energy in all. This is why I try hard to be consistent with my sleep, getting at least 8hrs of sleep each night. I know my children deserve a mom who’s patient, happy, and wants to spend time with them.

2 – You’ll feel better physically – When we don’t sleep well, we often aren’t in the mood to do any type of exercise or physical activity. We have every excuse in the book why we aren’t going to be doing anything that day, but it’s really just because we’re too tired to care. But the ironic thing is that when you do something physical, it actually helps your mood, fatigue, and sleep for the next night.

As tough as it is to do after a poor night’s sleep, I encourage you to get up and get moving! You don’t need to hit the gym in order to get the physical and sleep benefits. There’s plenty you can do at home to stay active and keep fit. For example, walking, running, swimming, hiking, yoga, housework, dancing, biking, playing sports outside with the kids, playing with the dog, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, and shoveling snow are all ways in which parents can stay active without paying for a gym membership!

3 – You’ll eat more nutritious meals – Another thing sleep deprived parents do is avoid eating healthy meals. The excuses come out in full force about how they’re too tired to think about cooking a meal from scratch. They often say their too busy, but a lot of it has to do with being too tired to think clearly about new or healthy recipes.

On top of that you will actually crave more junk food when you’re sleep deprived and moody. Emotional or stress eating is a real thing! There is science that tells us that stress causes us to crave foods high in fat and sugar. According to one Harvard article, “Once ingested, fat- and sugar-filled foods seem to have a feedback effect that dampens stress related responses and emotions. These foods really are “comfort” foods in that they seem to counteract stress — and this may contribute to people’s stress-induced craving for those foods.” So if you sleep better, you’ll have less stress, and you’ll eat better foods!

4 – You’ll look better – This is literally a no-brainer. When you wake up after a terrible night’s sleep, do you look your best? Of course not! People will often ask you if you’re okay or if you didn’t sleep well because clearly you look like you didn’t! Reversely, when you’ve had a good night sleep, you will usually look brighter and happier…eyes wide open, no bags under the eyes, skin looks tighter, posture is better, skin looks brighter, and the overall demeanor is better. I don’t know about you, but as I get older I could certainly use all the help I can get in this department!

5 – You’ll feel better mentally/emotionally – Mental health is very much tied to the effects of sleep deprivation. According to a Harvard research article, “Chronic sleep problems affect 50% to 80% of patients in a typical psychiatric practice, compared with 10% to 18% of adults in the general U.S. population. Sleep problems are particularly common in patients with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).”

They went on to say that “Insomnia and other sleep problems also increase the risk of developing depression. A longitudinal study of about 1,000 adults ages 21 to 30 enrolled in a Michigan health maintenance organization found that, compared with normal sleepers, those who reported a history of insomnia during an interview in 1989 were four times as likely to develop major depression by the time of a second interview three years later. And two longitudinal studies in young people — one involving 300 pairs of young twins, and another including 1,014 teenagers — found that sleep problems developed before major depression did.” This is clearly an issue not just for adults but for children as well!

So what can you do to get some better sleep and lower your risk of depression and other mental health issues?

1 ~ Work on your sleep hygiene – It’s important that the building blocks of getting good sleep are in place. For instance, you want to try to go to bed around the same time each night (including the weekends), turn off your electronic devices 30-60 minutes before bed each night, keep your bedroom on the cooler side (65 degrees is ideal), and try to keep the room neat, tidy, and stress-free. Make sure your room is an inviting place to be!

2~ Watch what and when you eat/drink – Eating big meals before bed can lead to a restless night of sleep. Drinking caffeine and alcohol can also do the same. Eating heavy meals and drinking alcohol can make you super sleepy initially, and you might fall asleep very quickly because of it, however they’re more likely to have you tossing and turning all night. And caffeine is a stimulant that might keep you up for hours, unable to fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. You want to stop drinking coffee by about 3pm, so that the main effects have time to wear off before you’re ready to go to bed.

3 ~ Keep active – Having regular activities or exercises 30 minutes or so a day can help you sleep better! Exercising any time during the day will help you to sleep better, though be careful that you don’t exercise too close to bedtime. Doing so can keep you awake longer at night, because you’re heart is still racing and your body temperature and blood pressure is still raised. But the physicality of your day will put the body through a certain level of stress. This increased stress will help you to fall asleep easier, sleep deeper, and have less night wakings in order to recover.

4 ~ Learn how to relax – Stress is one of the main factors of why people don’t often sleep well. They might be too stressed before bed, unable to “turn off their brains”, or they might wake in the middle of the night worrying about work, kids, or other issues they have going on. These days it’s inevitable that you’re going to have stress in your life, but how you deal with that stress can make all the difference in the world. Invest time in self-care, learning how to do deep breathing, journaling, or even meditation.

5 ~ Think about therapies or other ways to deal with your insomnia – One of the techniques I use when I work with clients on their sleep is cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I). Similar to other therapy methods, we use this to not only get a better handle on what’s currently happening, but also to understand how to change it. We really work on the person’s perception of their issues vs the reality. Oftentimes those two things are very different!

For instance, you could have 2 people with the exact same job, number of kids, and similar lifestyles. Depending on the personality of each person, each could have pretty different viewpoint of their life. One person could feel completely overwhelmed and stressed-out every day, causing them to not sleep well at night; while the other person could be perfectly content each evening, and therefore sleep great at night. Each person processes the daily information differently; each person decides whether they want to mentally take their work home with them each night; each person decides if they are going to let the little things bother them so much that they can’t relax and sleep at night.

The best part about not sleeping well is that we often have the ability to fix it! For most people, not sleeping well is a symptom of other things going on in their life. If you can figure out what those causes are, and then fix them, you should see a big improvement in your sleep! It’s worth it not just for yourself but for your whole family!

If you’re having trouble getting the proper rest you need, let’s chat! I can help you learn how to “shut your brain off” and work on the root causes that are creating your sleep issues. As a holistic adult sleep coach (also utilizing CBT techniques) and health/lifestyle coach, I help parents look, feel, and be the best they can be! Click here to set up your free initial consult!

Preserving Sleep When Your Child Is Sick

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Whether you’re lucky enough to have always had a good sleeper, or you recently worked hard to get your child to be a good sleeper, every parent worries what will happen when that child gets sick. We all know that things could go horribly wrong during the illness and afterwards, so we tend to have some anxious feelings appear with that first sniffle.

You’re absolutely right to be be worried, because YES illnesses can definitely affect sleep! We know what it’s like when we have a runny nose, are stuffed up, have a sore throat, feel feverish, get the chills, have a headache, or worse yet have a stomach bug. It’s downright unpleasant, and often keeps us up at night or popping cold tablets every 4 hours like clockwork. The same is true for our little ones, though sometimes they’re too young for cold medications so they’re just super miserable (and so are we)!

Parents always want to know what they can do to help their child, and more importantly, what they can do to keep their child sleeping well during and after the sickness has gone. Certainly, you’ll want to take your child in to see the doctor if they’re really sick, have a high fever, or have other concerning symptoms. But if they have the common cold, are “sick” from teething (ie low grade fever, runny nose/congestion), or you’ve been to the doctor and they’ve told you it was just a virus that needed to run its course, then there are a few things that you can do at home.

  1. Propping one end of the crib mattress can help to elevate your child’s head and keep their airways open for better breathing.
  2. Running a humidifier at night can help to open the child’s nasal passages so they can breath easier. Running a hot shower/bath can also work before bed.
  3. Using saline nasal spray (over-the-counter) can help to thin the mucous and clear out their nose. Even if they have a runny nose, you should still use it. Seems counter-intuitive, but it really does work to thin it and get rid of it faster!
  4. Some people enjoy using essential oils and will swear by them (Eucalyptus and peppermint essential oils are great ones)! I don’t recommend diffusing all night in an enclosed bedroom space though. You should turn it off about an hour before bed. Also, be careful in what you use, because not all oils are safe for young children. Do your homework first!
  5. Keep your child hydrated! Your child will lose more water than normal when fighting a fever. It will also help to thin and flush out the extra mucous.
  6. Elderberry can be a great way to give your child’s immune system a boost. You can make your own syrup or buy/make gummies. Double check the product’s age minimum though, because again it might not be a good idea for young children.
  7. Give your child some extra Vitamin C! If they like oranges or orange juice, that can be a great way to not only give them more Vitamin C to help fight off their germs, but you’ll be keeping them hydrated as well.
  8. Make sure your child gets plenty of rest! Seriously, sleep/rest is one of the best things you can do. When your child is resting, it allows the body to work on getting rid of those nasty germs!

Again, for all of the above, you always want to talk to your child’s pediatrician to ensure you’re doing the right things. When it comes to ensuring your child continues to be a good sleeper, the answer is simple… Keep the same expectations and do what you normally do!

I realize that’s not always possible, but it’s where you want to start out. Don’t assume your child needs anything more from you than usual, other than more cold medicine (if they’re over 6yrs old and need it), some pain and fever-reducing medicine, help wiping a runny nose, or help with a stomach bug issue.

Try to treat the symptoms without undoing everything that’s working well for your family. For instance, don’t just bring them to your bed, lay in their bed, or hold them all night if you can help it. If you do that, you’ll possibly looking at new sleep issues once they’re feeling better. Instead, treat the symptoms and then re-tuck them back into their crib or bed. If they need more help than that, they’ll let you know.

If you need to do more, then of course you should do it. If you need to stay in the same room to catch vomit (been there), then you do that! If they need some extra comforting for a few minutes until the pain medications kick in, then do that! Preferably, you would not need to do much other than be in the same room and give a few extra snuggles (while they’re still awake), so things can go back to normal after the illness has passed. But if you need to hold your coughing baby most of the night because it’s the only way they (and you) can sleep, then you do it that night and get back on track the next night.

Parents often “fall of track” and then think that it’s all over. But you can always get back to where you were before the illness! Sure, your kiddo may not be to happy about it, but you should be able to get back there in a couple of days at most. Of course, if things are a total mess afterwards and you can’t figure out how to fix things, you can always reach out to me!

You are welcome to set up a free consult, if you need me. Don’t forget about liking/following my Facebook page, as well as joining my Gentle Parenting Solutions Facebook group! Plenty of parents are in the same boat as you, so come join us!

Parenting Through the Holidays

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Having children at home around the holidays can be so much fun! It’s great to see their little faces light up on Christmas morning or to receive their Hanukkah or Kwanzaa gifts! They remind us about the joys of the holidays – gifts, visits to see Santa, looking for their favorite family elf friend (ie Elf on the Shelf), baking cookies, decorating a tree/house, wrapping gifts, singing holiday songs, watching holiday movies together, etc. Yes, holidays can be so awesome when you have children!

So what’s the catch, you’re wondering? I’ll tell you…behavior. Not just any old behavior but poor behavior, and often poor sleep too! What do you do with a child who isn’t just counting down the days to their favorite holiday (this applies for all of holidays that involve gifts, like Halloween and Easter/Passover too), but they are OBSESSED with it?! Sometimes that means they’re not sleeping well, as they wait in anticipation for receiving their gifts. Sometimes it means they’ve had one too many Christmas cookies and candies and they’re attitude isn’t the best. Maybe they’re feeling entitled with the holidays, and really aren’t understanding the true meaning. How do you make it through the weeks leading up to your child’s favorite holidays?

SLEEP

When it comes to sleep, you want to keep things as consistent as possible. If you start letting the excited early mornings happen, then they will start to become the new “norm”. The day needs to continue to start at the same time as it always does, and this includes the “big day” itself. I know some of you are thinking, “What?! How cruel to make your kids wait to open presents!” But hey, it’s a busy day for all of us! I will have a long day of cooking ahead of me once I’m up, so there’s no way I’m waking up at 5am! I also don’t want children awake for the day at 5am…talk about a long day for them too! So we keep things consistent here at the Welch household, with a 7am wake up time!

If your child is still napping, you want to keep their nap schedule as usual too (including the holidays themselves). Skipping a nap on a holiday will just punish you and your child. Your child will be miserable on a day that should be fun! Of all days, they may have woken up early with excitement and truly need that nap. We all know what a miserable child looks like normally. Couple that with the fact that it’s a very stimulating, interactive day for them and it’s a recipe for disaster! And if you’re like me and need to cook on the holidays, then you know how much time you have set aside for tantrums and meltdowns…yup, zero. So do yourself the favor and let your child nap! Go to your family’s houses before or after nap, or plan the car trip around your child’s nap so they can catch some zzz’s on the way. A short nap is better than nothing!

BEHAVIOR

Now what about the child who’s beyond hyper for weeks before the holidays? Well, it’s business-as-usual here too. While you know why they might be acting up, it’s not a free pass for them. They still need to be respectful to you and others, and they still need to follow the household/school rules.

While I don’t believe in threatening to take toys away from kids who aren’t listening well or are on “Santa’s Naughty List”, I do think that you can use the spirit of the holiday a bit in your favor. For instance, we have Lizzie the Elf visit our house every year. Anyone familiar with the Elf on the Shelf story knows that the elf’s job is to watch the children’s behavior throughout the day and report it back to Santa each night. Since my children are well aware of the story and Lizzie’s job while here, I simply remind them on occasion that she’s watching and will be making a report for Santa. My kids definitely change their behavior after I remind them of this! Well, at least for 10 minutes anyway! Again, it’s not something I’m threatening them with at all. It’s just a gentle reminder that she’s watching.

For children who don’t have an elf, are too old for it, or simply don’t care, you need another approach. In fact, you can use the elf AND this approach together. Throughout the entire year, I encourage you to use a behavior clip chart with your children. Most classrooms use these, which means school-aged kids (even prek) are used to how they work. The basis is this…good behavior moves your clip up and poor choices move your clip down. The goal is to be at the top each day. You can tie rewards with this if you’d like. Use a chart that has 5-9 behavioral levels on it. I use a colored chart, with different colors and emoji smiley faces in each row to indicate the happiness level. Kids start off in the middle of the chart each day, with the ability to go up or down as needed. While rewards are a nice bonus, also be sure to think of a consequence if they get to the bottom! In our house, they owe me a chore of my choice if they get to red (ie the bottom).

No matter what you do, the main point is this…holidays or not, sleep and behavior are non-negotiable! Our expectations of our children shouldn’t change just because it’s a holiday season. Trust me when I tell you that you’ll be happier the day AFTER the holiday, if you didn’t change things beforehand. Because the children who were allowed to stay up late, get up early, eat all the cookies they wanted, etc are going to expect those same things to be allowed to happen the following days too. And if you’re thinking I’m a Grinch, I swear I’m not! My kids know nothing different than this, so to them this is the way it is every day of the year. I still get all the love Christmas morning when they come flying down the stairs to see all that we and Santa got for them!

If you liked the idea about the behavioral clip chart, I have tons of other helpful parenting tools like this in my Parenting Course! I go through how to use this chart (and give you one to print) and many others, because kids love charts! This course is packed full of things every parent should know! Click HERE to learn more about the course, see the topics, and sign up (note: if you’re on mailing list or follow my Facebook page, you’ll get a special holiday coupon code)!

And if you’re having trouble after the holidays with sleep, you can always check out the courses for sleep or book a call with me to talk about working one-on-one together. You don’t want to start out the New Year (or any other time of year) with a kiddo who no longer wants to sleep well, so let me help! You can click HERE to set up your free 15 minute phone consult.

4 Tips To Get Your Baby To Sleep In Their Crib

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When we think about transitioning our children, we’re usually thinking of transitioning them to a big kid bed from a crib. But for a lot of parents, transitioning starts sooner than that with when they need their babies to actually transition TO the crib. Oftentimes, new parents are desperate to get any sleep they can, which means that they’re going to do whatever it takes to get that baby to sleep! This means that babies are often co-sleeping, sleeping on mom/dad, sleeping in a Rock-N-Play, or sleeping in a swing or other apparatus. While I totally understand the desire to get some sleep, you do need to be sure baby is as safe as possible and nothing beats the crib when it comes to safety.

I get that it’s tough to get your baby sleeping peacefully in their crib. Let’s weigh this out as if you were the baby…nice, snugly, warm, soft arms of mom/dad OR  a cold, hard, flat crib mattress. Yup, it’s a no-brainer that babies would much prefer sleeping anywhere else than their crib. But again, it goes back to be a safety issue. Sleeping on or with parents can be dangerous if not done properly, since you’ll both be sleeping and accidents can happen to the best of us.

Rock-N-Plays and other equipment are super popular for getting some shut eye, but if you look at the fine print you’ll find that none of these things is manufactured or approved for sleep. They will show you pictures of babies peacefully sleeping in them, however, the fine print will tell you that it’s not made for unsupervised sleep (a little hard to do at night when you’re sleeping too). The same is true for swings, car seats, bouncy chairs, etc.

So what can you do to get your baby sleeping in their crib?

  1. Start baby off in their crib or bassinet from day one. I’m not saying that you have to be 100% consistent with this, but I would be making sure they are very familiar with and sleeping in their crib at least 50-75% of the time for both nights and naps.
  2. If you need to, use equipment like the Rock-N-Play sparingly (like for the final – sometimes tough – nap of the day). This way you will be awake to monitor baby and they won’t get too used to it. You also want to be careful that they don’t develop a flat head and have limited mobility because of prolonged, daily use.
  3. If you want to co-sleep, invest in a side car sleeper or portable bassinet that you can keep right next to your bed. Then everyone can have that closeness, yet still have the peace of mind knowing that no accidents will happen. This will also help baby easily adjust to their crib, when you’re ready to move them out of your room.
  4. If your baby has no idea what the crib looks like yet, no worries! It’s never too late to introduce the crib to them. Start off slowly with hanging out in their room, laying them in the crib to play a bit or do diaper changes in it. Be there with them, keep the lights on, and make it a joyful experience. After a few days to a week of that, it’s time to introduce it for sleep. I would start with bedtime, because children are more tired then and less likely to fight you. Now, here’s where it might get tricky. If they’re still a newborn, then they may not notice much of a change; however, if they’re a bit older, it will be a different story.

Many parents don’t think of “transitioning to the crib” as sleep training, but it can definitely be that way especially for older babies and children. If you’re going to be taking your 8 month old from the Rock-N-Play, or taking your 13 month old from your bed, and asking them to sleep on their own in their crib, you better believe there’s going to be some push-back! Sleep training is not just about stopping night feeds, it’s about making changes to your current schedule that your child may not like. So you need to be prepared with what this might mean for you.

I wouldn’t attempt to make the change until you’re ready to finish what you start; otherwise, you’ll be giving in very quickly or your baby will just get angry. Whenever you try something new (like getting them to sleep in their crib), and you don’t succeed or finish the job, it just leads to a pretty annoyed baby. I would rather see you hold off on making changes until you’re fully ready. Do your research, have the room/space set up and ready to go, be mentally prepared for this move, get some back-up reinforcements if need be, and set a date!

If you’re not sure what type of sleep training you need, or have no idea where to start to make this transition, my DIY Newborn, Babies, and Toddlers/Preschoolers courses can definitely help! Or, if you prefer some more personalized help, I can help with that too! You can see all that I offer over in my Services section. You can click here to set up a free 15min phone call, so you can tell me what’s been going on.

Back-To-School Stress & Anxiety

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With the back-to-school season upon us, it’s important to remember something about our kids: they get stressed out and anxious too! Every year we send our kids to school, where they’ll be in a new classroom, with a new teacher, seeing new faces, and having a new curriculum. It would be a lot for an adult, let alone a 5 or 10 year old! In the early years, the stress and anxiety may be more about having to leave home and you, but it’s still there as they hit their tween and teen years. This age group puts a ton of pressure on themselves with needing to look a certain way, being aware of their body and others, having crushes, developing good friendships, all while keeping up their grades.

My point is that school is tough for every aged child going back to school. Our jobs as parents is to understand this and support our child, no matter the challenge. It can be easy to say to yourself, “What?! You’re worried about THAT little thing? That’s just silly!” But you never want to say that to your child. One comment like that can keep your child quiet for months to come. They may never open up to you again, if that’s the reaction they get. So it’s very important that they know that they come to you with any and all problems and that there will be no judgements from you.

Having 4 children of my own, being a parenting coach, and a sleep coach, I have had the privilege of seeing these things first hand. Because of this, I want to help you navigate this very important back-to-school time! Here are 5 tips to help:

1 – Have a snack ready – If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that kids are STARVING when they get home from school! My kids come in the door, throw their backpacks down, take off their shoes, put on some hand sanitizer, and head right to the pantry. They have very little to say, and could really care less that I’m there. So do yourself a favor and have a healthy snack ready for your kiddo, before inundating them with the “how was your day” questions.

2 – Check in with your child daily – While they might not be in the mood to talk much when they first come home, you can always chat later in the evening or before bed. In fact, you can make this a part of the bedtime routine, though be sure to start the routine a few minutes earlier so bedtime isn’t pushed back too late. For younger children, you’ll want to ask very specific questions, like “what did you have for lunch today?” or “who did you sit next to on the bus today?” For older children, you can ask open-ended questions, like “anything good happen at school?” or “what did you learn about in math class today?”

Keep your eyes and ears open for subtle issues, like the tone of their voice, their mannerisms, or their body language. Even though they may say their day was good, does their body and tone of voice say something different to you? You might need to push through and ask some more questions. If they really don’t want to talk, it’s best to stop pushing. You might ask your spouse/partner to talk to them later or you can try talking to them about it at another time, especially if it seems like something is really bothering them. And when you finally do get them to open up, try not to judge and comment too much. Just listen, and show them empathy. Sometimes a problem doesn’t really need a solution, but more of just a listening ear and moral support.

3 – Have an earlier bedtime – Your child will be exhausted that first week or two of school. Now is not the time to let them stay up later. In fact, if you can get them into bed a few minutes earlier than usual that would likely help. We can’t do much about the time they wake up in the morning, but we can control what time they go to bed. A well-rested child is going to be able to handle their days better, as well as handling their evenings at home with you better.

4 – Try not to overload the evenings – I realize that we’re heading into the fall season with tons of sports, dance, and other evening activities going on, but be careful you don’t overdo it. Like I said, getting back to school is exhausting. If your child doesn’t have time to wind down from their day, they’re more likely to throw some pretty awesome fits and meltdowns at their practices and in their classes. Couple that with possibly getting to bed later than usual, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. If your child can forego any strenuous evening activities at least in the first week, you’ll both be happier!

5 – Teach your child to breathe – I know that sounds silly, but I’m talking about deep breathing. It’s important to give your child an outlet for their stress, anxiety, and overall frustration to help avoid public meltdowns. Show them how to take deep breaths. A good way to teach it is this… Have your child imagine that it’s their birthday and you just made them their favorite flavor cake. Ask them to use their nose and smell that yummy chocolate (for example) cake. Then have them hold their breath for a count of 3, before blowing out their birthday candles. It’s a great visual to get them to learn how to do it!

Explain to them that they can take 2 or 3 of these deep breaths any time they feel stressed or feel like crying. I also like to include it as part of their bedtime routine. Deep breathing is a very stress-relieving type of activity that can help the child to become relaxed and sleepy. Personally, I do 3 deep breaths with my 9 year old daughters every night before bed. We’ve actually been doing it for a few years now and they look forward to it. If I’m not going to be home at night to tuck them in, they’ll have me do it with them before I leave! Just beware that if you get into this nightly routine, it can make you sleepy too. I always yawn when doing it with them!

If you can follow the above tips, then you will hopefully have an awesome first week or two back to school! However, if you’ve followed these things and your child is still having a tough time adjusting, it might be a good idea to talk to your child’s teacher and/or guidance counselor. As much as I would love to say that we are always enough for our kids, that’s just how it works. There will be times throughout their life that they will prefer talking to other adults, like a counselor. Don’t let that get you down though! If you can keep the lines of communication open, then they will eventually come back to find you!

*Need some parenting help? Check out my Parenting Solutions online course or one-on-one Parenting Solutions package! Or, if your child is struggling with their sleep (including stay up too late, waking at night, waking too early, needing your help to fall asleep, etc), I can help! Remember, I help children of all ages. Besides the packages for young children, I also have a School-Aged package (ages 5-12yrs) and a Teen package(ages 13-19). As always, I’m happy to talk to you on a free 15min assessment call. And feel free to share this blog and comment below with what helps your little one adjust to school!

15 Reasons to Massage Your Child

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There aren’t many people who don’t like to be massaged, whether it’s their feet, back, shoulders, head, hands, or whole body. Well, kids are no different! In fact, the sense of touch is the first sense developed in the womb. Babies love to be touched, held, and snuggled with. While the look of the touch might change over the years, most children still enjoy it as they grow. Toddlers and preschoolers are more “on the move”, so they may visit your lap less during these years but most still like to be snuggled at least a couple of times a day. As your child grows, how you touch them differs a bit, but it’s still very much needed.

When I was preparing for my Certified Educator of Infant Massage (CEIM) certification a few years back, I asked my youngest 3 kids to help me to practice. You better believe they jumped at the chance! At that time they were 4, 7, and 7. They would line up, waiting for me massage some area of them, even requesting their favorite areas whenever possible. If you have a school aged child, who is not fond of being hugged or touched (you know, the odd tween years), this can be a good way to connect. While they might not want a hug, offering massage can be a nice way to connect with them with something they do find enjoyable.

Below are 15 reasons why you should be massaging your child, no matter how old they are (yes, you can massage your teen too – a neck/shoulder/back rub is usually much appreciated).

  1. When they’re infants, it helps with infant and parent bonding/attachment (especially helpful for new fathers or mothers who’ve had a traumatic or unexpected birth experience)
  2. Relief for digestion, waste elimination, gas, and colic symptoms (the special stomach strokes can help kids of all ages with bellyaches)
  3. Relief for teething pains
  4. Helps mothers deal with postpartum depression and anxiety (this can be anytime PP, not just in the infant months)
  5. Promotes better sleep (this is true for children of any age, as well as adults)
  6. Helps parents learn about their baby’s needs and desires during those first few months
  7. Facilitates body awareness for babies
  8. Sensory stimulation for kids of all ages
  9. Boosts immune system (we could all use this!)
  10. Improves skin condition (the oil you use matters!)
  11. Helps the child to feel loved and nurtured (again, good for all ages)
  12. Relaxation for parents and child (can really help to mellow out your child for a few minutes)
  13. Improves blood circulation
  14. Balances respiration
  15. Stimulates production of Oxytocin (hormone produced during massage that be useful as a pain reliever, has a calming effect, reduce stress, and enhances the bonding process)

As you can see, there are SO many reasons why massaging your child is awesome! I wish I had done more of it when my kids were babies, but I did at least always do it after baths. Finding the time can be as easy as doing it a few minutes after bath or before bed/nap. You can also choose to massage just one section a day, such as arms today and legs tomorrow.

As my children have gotten older, they will now ask for certain things, like belly rubs. Sometimes it’s a simple bellyache, but sometimes they’re having constipation issues that need my helping hands. I can’t tell you how many times that they have easily gone potty just a few minutes after I’ve given them a 5-10 minute belly massage. It’s really a wonderful tool to have as a parent!

Another great use of massage would be for headaches, colds, and sinus pressure. There are facial strokes that you can use on children of any age that can be super helpful to release pressure, help with pain, or keep the mucous flowing (sounds gross, but important so they don’t get a sinus infection). In fact, you can use those same techniques on yourself (though it’s not as much fun as having someone else do it for you)!

Finally, it wouldn’t be a Sleeptastic blog without the mention of sleep! Children are known to sleep deeper and longer after having a nice massage. Many parents who take my classes mention how well their babies sleep after the class – win, win! On a side note, those same babies often have bowel movements either during or after class because of the belly strokes. They’re clearly feeling good inside and out after their massages!

As you can see, there are a ton of benefits and reasons why you should take the time to learn about massaging your child and then do it! This is a skill that will benefit you and your child for many, many years!

If you would like to learn more about the massage services I provide, you can visit my Infant Massage Sessions page. I have private, in-home sessions, where I will come to you for the 2hr session. Or I occasionally hold local classes, where we’ll have several families come together to learn. In fact, I have a 2hr class coming up on Sunday, August 5th at 10am, where I will teach you all that you need to know about massaging your child. You can find out more about this local event by clicking here!

7 Ways to Survive The Summer With Your Kids

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As a kid, I always looked forward to summer break. Not getting dressed all day. Swimming for hours. Playing with my Barbies whenever I wanted. Eating what I wanted, when I wanted. Yup, life was pretty good. Fast forward a couple of decades, and now I’m the parent of 4 kids who are also looking forward to summer break. Three of those kids are heavily relying on me to provide them entertainment, because times have changed. While I don’t recall asking my parents where we could go each day, my kids will.

With the Internet and Facebook “mom groups” making us feeling guilty about all the things we’re not doing, we now feel the need to keep our children busy most of the summer. But should we? Should we really be scheduling every minute of our children’s days? What about downtime? What about creative and imaginative play? How do you know when and where to draw the line?

I believe that the answer to all of these questions can be summed up in one word… balance. Yes, vacations are nice, afternoons at the pool are wonderful, indoor, rainy days can be fun, hours at the park are great, weeks at camp are exciting, playing sports is fabulous, and days at amusement parks are awesome, but you can’t do that stuff every day. And you really shouldn’t! Again, balance is the key! It’s about what your children want to do and what you think is best to do. So what CAN you do to survive those short few summer months that can feel like it never ends? Here are 7 things you can do!

1) Ask your kiddos what it is that they would like to do. Depending on how large your family is, you might ask them to each pick 1, 2, or 3 things. Older kids are going to “think big”, so you’ll likely need to set some ground rules, like cost, keeping it to a one-day trip, etc. These shouldn’t be big trips that they’re picking, as those would be up to you as a parent. You can give them some ideas of approved, fun items, like I mentioned above. If you can incorporate at least one thing per child, then they’re going to love that they got to have input!

2) Build in some “down time” in the schedule each week. We all need some time to relax and get out of the hot sun. If you see a rainy day coming up in the forecast, then use that day as your “indoor” day. I like to use my indoor days for not only relaxing, but also for picking up, cleaning, and de-cluttering. I also make sure my children are heavily involved in this process! We will usually work hard for a couple of hours and then we’ll relax, play a game, watch a movie, do some coloring, or they’ll just go off and play.

3) Going to the grocery store or other stores can actually be fun when you’re a kid. In the summer, I take either all or at least one kiddo with me to the grocery store each week. It’s a great way to have one-on-one time with each child (if you have a sitter for the other children)! We also do something fun, where someone gets to pick a new fruit, veggie, or other food that we’ve never tried before. It’s a great way to get your kiddos to try new things and get them involved in the process! Depending on the age of the child, I also let them help me with the checkout process, which can be fun for them. So try and make ordinary trips to the supermarket feel like more than just a boring trip to the store. You’ll get to make your kids happy you’re doing something different that day, AND you’ll be getting some much-needed shopping done. Win-win!

4) Plan a few bigger day (or half-day) trips and sprinkle them throughout the summer. There’s nothing worse than having a jam-packed few weeks and then nothing to do after that. If you can spread things out, you’ll find that the kids are complaining less and you’ll all have a few things to look forward to throughout the summer. Some of our favorites are amusement/water parks, zoos, aquariums, science centers/museums, “hands on” centers for smaller kids, beach (if you live close to one), or a lake.

5) Smaller activities are fun, and sometimes even free! These can include going to the local parks (these are great for meet ups with friends), getting a pool pass, and having play dates. If you have a few friends, you can each take turns hosting a play date at each of your houses, which can alleviate boredom without a cost. We also love to go see some not-so-new movies. Our local theaters will offer movie days for kids over the summer, where you can get admission, small popcorn, and a drink all for just $4! The kids love it and it doesn’t break the bank!

6) Camps, camps, and more camps! These are going to cost you a good chunk of change, but they can be worth it to have happy kids and happy parents! These days there are all sorts of camps available, from week long overnight ones, to full day ones, or half day ones. We’ve personally done them all over the years. Some were more popular than others, but they’re always fun. This year, we thought “outside of the box”, and my youngest kids are all taking a cooking camp this summer. I’m hoping they come home super energized to make me some yummy treats! And there are also theater, dance, and other creative camps, as well as sports camps.

7) Besides camps, many organizations are now offering their classes during the summer so that kids can stay on top of their game (so to speak). For example, I have my daughters signed up for a 5 week summer cheer program, as well as a 5 week gymnastics class. There are other summer sports like beach volleyball, swimming, and kickball going on throughout the summer, too. And a lot of Fall sports start in the summer, like football and cheerleading. Just because it’s summer, doesn’t mean your kiddos need to stop all of their fun sports or creative classes. It can be a nice way to throw something fun and exciting into the mix!

 

So as you can see, there are tons of things you can do this summer to keep your children happy and entertained. When it comes to their routines, I would still try to keep their bedtimes and nap times (if applicable) on schedule whenever you can. Sleep must always be a priority, even in the summer. We wouldn’t skimp on feeding our kids some days, so we shouldn’t skimp on their getting good sleep either. They need an appropriate amount of sleep each night to stay healthy, think clearly, and play hard during the day. They’re also much more cranky if they don’t get the amount of sleep they need, so it’s in everyone’s best interests that they sleep well!

If your child is having trouble falling asleep, sleeping through the night, or taking good naps, I can help! Check out my Services page to see how! I can also help YOU sleep and feel better, too. With my adult packages, I work with adults to help them find the root cause of their sleep issues (provided it’s not because of your child), and give provide solutions they can use immediately. I am happy to offer free 15min phone assessments to talk about your family’s sleep issues. And I also have some wonderful courses over on my Learn site that can help with children’s sleep and also a parenting course to help you with your child’s behavior!

How To Successfully Drop The Last Nap

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Many parents worry about what life “post-nap” will look like. What parent ever says, “Hey, I’d like to have no break all day and to continually chase my toddler around from the moment they wake up until they go to bed”? If you said none, you would be right! Toddlers and preschoolers are exhausting! And they can be pretty cranky by midday without a nap! That being said, there will come a day where they will need to give them up.

So how do you know if your kiddo is ready to give up the nap? Here are 6 questions you need to ask yourself…

1) Can they make it all day without a nap (11-13hrs straight)? If not, then you know it’s not likely time.

2) Is your child fighting the nap? If so, they may be ready to give it up. But before you do that, try moving nap time later. The older the child, the longer the awake time that is needed. That normal 12:30pm nap may need to move to 1 or even 1:30pm. After that time frame, it might get a little tricky to fit in a nap at all. If the nap is too late, then bedtime might end up being too late.

3) Are the naps shorter than an hour? If so, then you might be able to just ditch them altogether.

4) Is your child waking up from nap crying and miserable? If so, you can try waking your kiddo up a few minutes earlier than they would normally wake up on their own to disrupt their light sleep. My twins would both wake up crying from their nap and have what I call “nap terrors”. This is when they are disoriented, not really awake, crying, and inconsolable for 5-30mins or so. If you’re familiar with night terrors, this is exactly the same, only they’re happening at nap time instead of night. It can be a distressing way to end naps each day. Therefore, some parents will decide to pull naps altogether to avoid this from happening (as long as the child is old enough).

5) Should you pull the nap because of bedtime? There are some instances where you might decide to pull the nap, even though your child is still taking them without issue. Why would a normal parent do such a crazy thing? I’ll tell you in two words…BEDTIME BATTLES! Again, the older the child, the more time they will need to be awake between nap and bedtime. 

For instance, if you have a child who is 3.5 years old and napping from 2-3:30pm each day, they’re not going to be ready for bed at 7:30pm anymore. At that age, many children need about 6 hours of awake time between nap and bed. So in this case, the child wouldn’t be ready for bed until 9:30pm (6hrs past 3:30pm), which is way later than any parent wants. Oftentimes, parents will continue to shoot for a 7:30 or 8pm bedtime, when the child isn’t anywhere near ready. When you do this, you will likely have many bedtime battles.

Your child is going to put up a fight, stall, be hyper, be cranky, or ask you for a final hug, extra water, one more book, etc. This is when things can start to go awry, and parents will start going down roads they never had to take before. They’ll start to give in to those requests, laying or staying with the child until they fall asleep, bringing the child to their bed, etc. All of this is occurring because the bedtime isn’t correct. So your choice is to either keep the nap and move bedtime much later or drop the nap and keep the earlier bedtime. In any case, it’s a personal choice as to which you want to do and when you want to do it.

As you can see, there are a lot of variables when deciding about when to pull or drop that final nap! Once it’s done though, you want to make sure that you’re still giving your child some downtime each day. If they drop naps on their own, they’ll likely be less tired in the afternoons but will still be at least a little bit sleepy. But if you pull the nap before they’re ready (ex: because of bedtime battles), then you can expect that they will be very tired in the afternoons for quite awhile. Here are some things to consider/try once the naps are gone…

  • Provide quiet time each afternoon, either in their room or on the couch. Many kids won’t stay in their bedroom quietly, so if that’s the case with your little one then let them rest on the couch. I used to have my kids next to me, where they would watch a show and drink a cup of milk, and I could actually catch a 10 minute power nap! It was lovely! But honestly, any time your kiddo sits still and you get some sort of a break it’s a good thing!
  • After quiet time, offer a snack to give them an energy boost and get them over the “midday hump”. Fruit is a great snack, since it has natural sugars and can give them energy again.
  • Move bedtime up! Once the nap is gone, you want to have bedtime earlier. Usually preschoolers are still sleeping about 11-12 hours total in a 24hr period once the nap is gone. That will start to decrease the older they get though, so that they’re at about 10-11hrs by the time they are in grade school.

Remember, it can take a while for your child to adjust to no longer having a midday fiesta (pretty sure the same can be said for the parents too). It might be weeks or even months, so be patient! And embrace the rare times they fall asleep on the way home from an activity. Occasional naps are perfectly fine! Just realize that they might need a later bedtime those nights.

*Feel free to comment below with your questions or stories! You can also join me over in the Gentle Parenting Solutions Facebook goup! You can also learn more about my Services or Courses should you need them.

 

3 Reasons Why Naps Are Important

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Back when I had one small child, I loved nap time. It meant that I got to nap right along with her! “Nap when your baby naps” is what everyone tells you when you have a baby. Yes, that works during two times of your life… 1) when you’re actually at home all day with your baby, and 2) when you only have one child. This advice doesn’t work when you have more than one child though. When your new baby comes along and naps, you still have another child that’s likely still awake and needs attention. So enjoy your naps now if you’re still on your first child!

Unlike adults, children need naps. They’re not a luxury, like they are for us. Let’s talk about 3 reasons why they’re so important…

1) Daytime sleep is part of your child’s overall sleep needs. When we think about how much sleep your child needs each day, it’s based on the total hours in a 24hr period, not just at night. If you don’t think they’re important, just try skipping one, and you’ll see just how much those naps are needed!

2) There’s an old saying of “sleep begets sleep”. That basically means that when your child sleeps well for nights, then they will usually do better doing the day. And when they nap well, they will usually sleep better over night. Why? Well, because sleep deprivation makes it harder for kids to go to sleep and stay asleep.

For example, if your 9mo child only takes 2 short 30min naps in 12hrs throughout the day, they are going to be very overly tired come bedtime. When kids are too tired at bedtime, they will fight harder to go to sleep. And then once you get them to sleep, they will usually be restless throughout the night, waking more often. AND, if that’s not enough, they almost always wake up even earlier than normal the next morning. Of course, that then sets the whole next day off with a bad start, which will compound your sleep deprivation issue.

With slightly older kids (say 1 and up), you might also have night terrors happen. If they’re going to happen, they typically do so in the first few hours after falling asleep. These are different from regular night wakings in that the children aren’t truly awake. They appear to be awake, since they can sit up, they can move around, their eyes are open, and they may even talk a bit to you, but they’re actually in a light phase of sleep, stuck between sleep cycles. It’s not super fun, since they’re harder to calm down, often don’t want touch, and you have to wait for them to fully wake up so they can “snap out of it” and actually go back to sleep. So it’s best to avoid night terrors at all costs! The way to do that is to make sure you’re child isn’t overly exhausted at bedtime, by preserving the daytime naps.

3) No naps makes for really cranky kiddos. Whether your child has skipped one of 3 naps they have in a day, or their only nap they have in a day, the results are the same. When they need the sleep and don’t get it, it leads to some unhappy children. Imagine that you only got 5hrs of sleep, when you clearly need at least 8hrs. How do you feel? Do you feel like working out? Do you feel like making dinner? Do you feel like playing with your kids or talking to your spouse? Nope, pretty sure you don’t.

If I were to guess, I’d say you would feel cranky, emotional (can laugh, cry, or scream at any given moment), unmotivated, weak, and super tired all day long. This is exactly how your child feels when they don’t get their naps. There is so much learning that happens during those first few years that it’s imperative that children are awake and ready/able to learn. They’re ability to learn and retain information goes way down when they’re tired. And, what they are learning throughout the day will be lost without sleep. Information and short-term memories are transferred to our long-term memory when we are sleeping! So remember, naps aren’t luxuries, they’re necessities!

So there you have it…3 reasons why naps are important. I know it can be a pain sometimes to be home when your kids need their naps, but it’s worth it. Naps on-the-go are okay once in awhile, but you really want to try to be home for at least one nap a day. Imagine you fell asleep on the couch for a nap. Now imagine you fell asleep in your bed with your nice dark shades/curtains. Which one do you think is going to be easier for you to get the best quality and length of sleep? Your bed, of course!

This is the same as your baby taking a 20min car ride nap vs a 1hr 20min crib nap. That 20min nap will be enough to give them a little boost of energy, but not enough to keep them happily going for another few hours until next nap or bedtime. They’re either going to need more naps that day or they will just be tired, cranky, and clingy until they can sleep again. So my advice is to do what you can to let naps happen at home in their cribs.

And I don’t know about you, but I LOVED it when my kids napped! What parent do you know that couldn’t use a break or two during the day to nap, get things done, or just sit down and sneak a piece of chocolate?! So don’t push your child to give up their naps before they’re ready. But, when they are ready, take a good look at their schedule, which will need to be adjusted to make up for the lost nap. Schedules change often when they’re little, and dropping naps is definitely one of the times that this will happen.

 

*If you need help with schedule changes or nap issues, I can help! You can schedule a free 15min phone call, so I can access your sleep needs. You can always check out my full package sleep services or sleep courses as well, if naps aren’t your only issue!